With a single verbal directive, he can destroy the earth; This is the kind of foreign policy position we always drool over, in a president. President Gort has a real set of steel balls. Maybe even more than two, buried under that space age alloy suit.
You all must admit, having the presidential air force one seal imprinted on a kick ass flying saucer would be too cool to touch (even with gloves).
President Gort knows how to keep his mouth shut, since he does not have one. Wouldn't that be refreshing? This is perfect insurance against stupid sound bites, that make him look like an idiot at press briefings. When Hugo Chavez or Amadinejad taunt him to have a debate at the U.N. president Gort strolls over, no secret service required, for the ultimate showdown.
Hugo's unique Latin charisma and Amadinejad's megalomania versus president Gort's silent but deadly atom smashing stare.
Any more comments or questions? I didn't think so.
Speaker of the House Robbie
He can carry fourteen tons of custom lead shielding, he made himself out of the lightest atoms he could find. He can also laser vermin, scurrying about, stealing things. This means he can build things on a grand scale, quickly and easily and keep the rats from moving in. It would have been cheap to have him coordinate the Boston Big Dig.
He can also synthesize over sixty gallons of premium Kentucky bourbon, overnight. This means he can keep all of the useless human sponges on Capitol hill, like Ted Kennedy, thoroughly sedated, while he gets the people's work done. He will be the most popular speaker of the last century.
It would be nice to have fourteen tons of lead shielding between the Democrats and our wallets.
Senate President Hal 9000
You can be sure Senator Hal will not leak a national security secret, even if it drives him insane. He has that critical soothing voice, required for this august body. Just coax the liberals into the hall, then lock the chamber door for those critical votes.
Sorry Arlen. I just can't open the floor to you right now.
RNC Chairman IDAK
A party chairman doesn't have to be the brightest bulb in the circuit. Look at Terry Mcauliffe and Howard Dean for proof of that. A party chairman should be able to steer the platform of his party in a healthy, competitive direction. In this case, a simple, repetitive theme, for a simple repetitive voting public, directed at a simple repetitive political enemy. What's the party winning strategy IDAK?
Yup. A nice, simple three step plan.
Supreme Court Justice Robot
He is compassionate, moral and is programmed for the rule of law. That fifty thousand volt built in taser will also come in handy, when Souter goes off on one of his international group hug tangents.
After a couple of strategically applied de-fibrillations, justice Robot will only have to raise his right claw, and we will instantly have order in the court.
Homeland security/Energy Secretary Nomad
He is shorter than Mike Dukakis or Robert Reich. Height is not a factor for this little gem. Just watch hime sterilize all of the imperfections on the Mexican border, while increasing the efficiency of all the nuclear power plants in the country five-fold.
We might even witness Al Gore getting into Secretary Nomad's face about green energy policy. We can then watch Nomad replace Al's lisping smirk, with a cherry lollipop, as he sends Al's brain back to kindergarten.
Sorry Al. Non-sequitor. Your facts are uncoordinated.
Iraqi Administrator Landrew
Let's face it. Bringing back Paul Bremer would be a mistake. Landrew has the right chops. He's an immortal computer; therefore, people bent on submitting to 1200 years of religious repression will feel right at home with him. He can control them like civilized zombies for all but a few days a year. Once a year, during the 'red hours', all of the government theocrats can go sip tea and coffee while everyone else goes nuts, raping and killing each other, in the name of Allah.. err-um Landrew. It's almost exactly the way most middle eastern governments work now, except with predictable, programmable intervals.
If you can't beat it, schedule it.
Press Secretary Cpt. Christopher Pike
He fits the affirmative action policy of keeping a human foot in the door. He fits the American Disabilities act. He is a war hero. He cannot answer stupid rhetorical questions. I suggest fitting him with two lights, instead of one. Green for 'yes'. Red for 'no'. He can simultaneously flash both lights, for 'next idiot'. The press corps will never be the same.
Watching David Gregory deal with the flashing lights would almost be as satisfying as watching him endure waterboarding torture.
The Best Part of All
None of these officials are human beings (with the exception of Pike).
- No corruption
- No graft
- No homosexual page hopping
- No broken promises
- No pandering
- Cannot be accused of racism
- They Follow the people's orders
- Fast, efficient, 24/7 work schedule
- Run on nuclear batteries instead of booze and pills
- Shut down and save energy when not needed
Ah yes. I have a dream.