Priorities

We have such fine leadership in Washington. Leadership means being able to set priorities, then stick to them. Priority order is defined, by the fine example set by our great leaders in the halls of government. This is the list sent out to freshman and seasoned crooks alike.

1) Pass a nice juicy, pork-laden bill for your big donors. While you are at it, hit your big donors up for some more money. Toss a nice green salad and charge $25K a plate for it. If they do not want to trade lettuce, tell them you could always flip-flop and drive your tap into the opposition, just like a big ol' Vermont maple tree. When it bleeds cash, you are the first one there, with the bucket.

2) Cover your political ass with sound bites and international concensus slogans, while Iran continues to commit acts of war against our military. Once they secure our defeat in Iraq and then secure a nuke or two, you can always bitch about how we should have done something about it, but now it is too late. You can wax all philosophical-like about how you were the voice in the forest and nobody was listening and blah.. blah.. blah..

3) Get those teeth whitened, those hair plugs fluffed up and that botox injected. Campaign for President and/or the Senate and/or the House and/or suck up to your political patrons, for a judicial appointment. Take whichever comes first.

4) Pick some important issue you don't give a flying crap about; just for the sake of argument, let’s say… winning in Iraq. Cry on camera to cover up any of your votes that may not be popular now. The public loves it when you get all teary eyed and apologetic on camera. Make sure you wear water soluble mascara that day if you are a woman, and full eye contacts if you are male. Women are supposed to let the levy break. Man tears take more planning. Men should look like they are brimming, about to trickle. They should give the impression that, by sheer testosterone driven will, they are barely holding back a flood of heartfelt emotion. Make sure there is a controlled crack in your voice here and there, during the speech. The male instructions can be applied to harpies, like Hillary, since she has more testosterone than most male politicians in D.C. Hearts and minds, baby.

5) Accuse the opposition party of being a culture of corruption, while installing your own crooks in key positions, sometimes for round two or even three. There is no sense in letting those embezzling indictments cool off. The press can only cover so much at once. If you commit public crimes by attrition, you can sqeeze the good stuff through unnoticed.

Back in Roman times, this was known as the Hannibal Ring of Steel maneuver.

You create a diversionary scandal right in the middle of your front lines. As the press surges forward with aggressive offense, the faux scandal target falls back, like a wounded animal. While the dopey scribes pile on the ratings, you circle around the back with your criminal cavalry, armed with criminal midnight legislation. Then, they can swiftly steal everything backstage, which is not firmly nailed down. Today, they call this strategy the Monica Lewinsky stain of subversion, or the Sandy Burglary.

6) Leverage that drug and alcohol problem for all its worth. Everybody loves drugs and alcohol in Washington. You have a disease, Ok? You are struggling with it. It makes you a flawed human being, who is a victim of personal angst and social pressure. We celebrate flawed, pathetic losers in America today. You are special. Raise your glass to modern politics and praise the virtues of anti-depressants. You need anti-depressants. Being a pathetic loser, lying, cheating and playing cover-up all day and all night, is enough to make any sober person depressed. Your only other choice is to have your conscience permanently and surgically removed, during the next face lift. Just ask Nancy Pelosi for the phone number of her personal surgeon.

7) Make a guest appearance on the Daily Show, or your favorite liberal time slot, anywhere in the prime time schedule. Crack some jokes about the administration, while your favorite media groupie lobs a few cream puff questions at you. Act like they were serious questions, deserving serious answers. Wink. Wink. Nod. Nod. Brush some fake sweat off your forehead and mildy rebuff your comrade, for his ‘tough’ line of questioning.

8) Go on an all expenses junket trip to Europe, via Baghdad, so it looks like you were working hard to check out how the new Vietnam is shaping up, first hand. Bad mouth the commander-in-defeat over in Europe. Bad mouth the troops abroad, while praising them here.
Make sure that our defeat overseas, is going forward, as planned.

9) Get some pictures snapped for the XXX-Times newspaper, showing what a solon of the people you are by eating something with trans-fat in it. Say something goofy, that your media analyst told you was common amongst the Hoi polloi. Follow it up with something snobby, so you can re-assure your blue-blooded brethren, that the senatorial Optimate in you, is going nowhere soon.

10) If you are black, whip out the gospel rhetoric, framing America as the the land of racist oppression, built entirely on the sweaty backs of African slaves. Irish, Italian and French textile immigrants need not apply. Make a solemn promise to everyone, except the color-blind Nazi conservatives. If you are elected, you will break those horrible chains of welfare reform, with reparations payments. Everyone will then walk hand-in-hand, in the uplifting spirit of white guilt and black reverse racism. The cry will rise up: "Yes we can!"

11) Talk about how global warming is a bigger threat than global terrorism. Throw up all kinds of colorful graphs and charts showing the millions of virtual children killed in your computer models. Show them how we should dump billions of opportunity dollars into this hysterical black hole, so your tree-hugging donors can sleep soundly, with privates in hand.

Remember, it is the perfect issue.

You never actually have to do anything about it. If anything bad happens, it is caused by global warming. If bad stuff continues to happen, you can say we may be too late. If anything good happens, it's because we listened to you. If nothing changes, you can say these things take time. Do not worry. As soon as your liberal carcass is warming a chair in D.C., all of those pictures of Hermaphrodite polar bears, sunbathing on ice cubes, will disappear from the press, with the magic of media bias.

12) Get in front of a mob of illegal invaders and shout out your support for their revolution. Promise the new Mexican illiteratti that they can have all of those extra social security dollars that are just lying around unused. Make sure they are permitted to continue committing the crimes Americans can't be bothered to commit. Why should they speak English? It is the language of the same evil oppressors who are holding down the other minorities. Make sure the domestic defeat is going forward as planned.

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… A lot more stuff that may not be important to you, but this isn’t about you, ok?

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