Random Pre-Holiday Amusement

The Gummy Bear

On my way to the corporate Christmas party, I was driving south on route 95, which is a big four lane highway full of four full lanes of Massachusetts motorists, both of legal and illegal immigration status.

The Mass state police are actually fairly adept at identifying and capturing aggressive drivers. Alas, they cannot be everywhere at once. I spotted one of these dangerous ignoramuses in my rearview mirror. There it was, a BMW, weaving through traffic like a chipmunk through my neighbor's flower beds. Obviously this person needed to race to their own chilled vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Just then, I realized I had a fresh wad of juicy sugar free Bubble Yum, softening up amidst my dentle work. I also realized, just then, that Cpt. Beamer was definitely going to use the segment of road, opening up next to me, as an opportunity to accelerate to the bumper of the next tailgating victim.

You have to realize that physics is a hobby of mine, both at work and at play. Opportunities wait for no one. There was no time to run any calculations. I just needed to roll up that tongue mortar, load the it up, and fire away. After all, how many times have I seen that shower of sparks, from a waning cigarette? My gum needed refreshment, even though it was just getting started.

Yes.

Wait.

Not yet.

NOW!

Cpt. Beamer shimmied, a trifle, as he continued his/her reign of terror. I suspect I hit the mark somewhere. Maybe a nice gooey window ornament, fastened by the chilled wind. Or better yet, a nice hidden gift for those hot radiator fins.

The System is Down

One of the gifts I gave last year, was received with surprise and delight. It was a Mobile gas card. I figured I might give a couple more of these again, this year. There was a banner on the station, announcing the availability. I stopped in and ordered two.

“Sorry sir. The system is down. We can't register the cards.”

“O.K. Well. I will look elsewhere.”

I stopped in at the Pier One, about a mile down the street.

“Our gift card system is not working, sir.”

“O.K. Target, then”

Apparently, Target hadn't outsourced their gift card service to the same provider as Mobile and Pier One. This was the Saturday before Christmas. I said to myself, whoever wrote the software, or left those servers unattended, is going to get a real nice holiday gift from their boss, for losing all of that potential revenue.