Tuesday, February 14, 2006

RHPB: Shoot First ask Questions Later

This is a totally fabricated Insolublog Right House Press Briefing, fielding Monday's questions from the white house press corps on the Cheney shooting incident. Our guest press secretary, who will eventually sit in for the mild Scott McClellan, is the honorable retired Senator Zell Miller.

Just before the official White House Press gathering, trouble was brewing in the press room...

The foul David Gregory had just asked White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan about the Cheney hunting accident.

David, hold on. The cameras aren't on right now. You can do this later.

Don't accuse me of trying to pose to the cameras! Don't be a jerk to me personally when I'm asking you a serious question.

You don't have to yell...

I will yell! If you want to use that podium to try to take shots at me personally, which I don't appreciate, then I will raise my voice, because that's wrong.'

Calm down, Dave, calm down.

I'll calm down when I feel like calming down! You answer the question.

I have answered the question. I'm sorry you're getting all riled up about it.

[ insolutip: Send him over to the VP's office, Scott. Then Cheney can take a couple of 'personal shots' at him. ]

I am riled up. Because you're not answering the question.

At the real press briefing, the cameras were rolling, and Zell Steps in to handle the press like a real man...

Good afternoon, everyone. Let me begin by with one update on the schedule today. I will be taking questions in place of Scott. He's in the little girls room right now, drying his eyes on the hem of his skirt. He begged me to step in and kick some real jackass this morning.

Today, the President will be submitting his 2006 Economic Report to the Congress. The Council of Economic Advisors will be hosting a press briefing here shortly, at 1:30 p.m. today. Our economy is strong and growing stronger. The U.S. right now is experiencing a very healthy job market, with nearly 4.8 million jobs created since the summer of 2003. And for 2006, the Council of Economic Advisors projects a steady growth rate, in the range of 3.4 percent, which is in line with the view of other economic forecasts in government and the private sector.

I know that none of you parasitic vermin want to hear or talk about anything related to the health of the American people and their economy. So give me your best shots.


Zell, do you think that the shooting accident involving the Vice President on Saturday should have been disclosed to the public on Saturday?

C'mon, son, let's be honest here. If the Vice President had called you guys on Saturday, you would be sitting here today, whining about how he was more concerned with public relations, than with Harry's health.

Well, I assume that people -- he got immediate medical attention. Aside from the medical attention, which I'm sure was swift, isn't there a public disclosure requirement that should have kicked in immediately?

Yes. Mrs. Katherine Armstrong saw what occurred and she called her local paper. That's called public disclosure. The Vice President's Office was ready to comment on it at that point. Are you telling me that meat is not fresh enough for you?

Well, it's not really a hindsight issue here. I mean, the Vice President made a decision about how the public should be notified that basically is at odds with the standard practice of how the President's own press operation and this White House notifies the public; isn't that right?

I know a tough old bird like myself should be able to speak your language, but humor me anyway. How this is at odds with standard practice?

Let's just be clear here. The Vice President of the United States accidentally shoots a man and he feels that it's appropriate for a ranch owner who witnessed this to tell the local Corpus Christi newspaper, and not the White House press corps at large, or notify the public in a national way?

Are you talking about the tired practice of the administration pulling your lazy snout out of the rotting zebra's colon, then handing you a scourge, so you can turn around and beat them with it?

Give me a break, Terry. Do you want me to fetch your slippers for you too?

There was no traveling White House press corps with the Vice President.

Right, that's a distinction without a difference, really. I mean, we have Blackberries --

I know, I know. Frankly, even that's an exaggeration. All of you Chris Matthews types have blackberries. Fortunately, I have a pair of jumbo beefsteak tomatoes, this big. I am also not afraid to use them.


I know you had a chance to speak to, I assume, the President and the Vice President today. Did the Vice President follow all of the appropriate safety procedures that are familiar to hunters in this case?

He shot a friend by accident. Do you think he was following proper safety procedures?

I told the President he should have bought those nice new bug zappers at Wal Mart. A few more of those in the press lobby, and maybe we won't get so many stupid idiots buzzin' around.

Call Cheney's office. Talk to him about it.

Next jackass...

Wait, wait, hold on. Human beings are not normally this inefficient. I mean, was the Vice President immediately clear that he had accidentally shot his friend, or not? Or did that information become available later? You make it seem like there's all this information that had to develop.

Yeah, I know human beings are more efficient. That's why y'all look like blood sucking scavengers to me. I know you are all desperate to pull some meat off this story and grind it into some covert conspiracy. If this were anything more than an accident, then I suppose Whittaker would have been found in a hotel room, with a head shot and a suicide note.

Is it proper for the Vice President to offer his resignation or has he offered his resignation?

[ Zell thinking to himself... ] I wonder where I put that snake killing shovel? I'm sure I could make it look like road kill. Even if they find out, George would surely pardon me. Nah.

That question smells as bad as you do. Next...

Zell, when you consider the chronology you're trying to go through here, and all of the various wrinkles of how long it took for the primary information that the Vice President was the person who shot this fellow to get through to the President, himself, is there any notion here of reviewing your own communications apparatus? I mean, this is sort of reminiscent of the levee story, frankly, you know?

Weren't you the one swimming around that levee, looking for a juicy story? If the communications apparatus included you, somewhere along the wiring, then I would conclude that there is something wrong with it.

Zell, would this be much more serious if the man had died? Would that change the --

Hoo boy. That's the worst case of foot-in-mouth disease I have seen in a long time. You must have memorized Hillary Clinton's book It takes a Village Idiot. Nobody could walk into a national press corps session and ask a question that mentally challenged without some sort of guidance.

On that note of redundant foolishness, I bid you all farewell.


linda said...

What a great idea to have Zell take over the press questions! Somebody needs to crack a whip in there!

Uber said...

So what are you trying to say here? These journalists are beasts and the beasts are getting hungry? haha

Scott's definitely no Ari Fleischer, I've wondered if he's some sort of a secret weapon by way of putting journalists to sleep.

Zell Miller "cracking the whip"? In my dreams.

Fabulous, Insolu!

Ssssteve said...

great stuff as always Insol!!!

Wyatt Earp said...


That's the whole "story" here: the Press' panties are in a bunch because they weren't notified first. I say, "Hard cheese."

If I were McClellan, I would have said, "Why should they tell you gusy first, since you have spent the last six years tearing him apart? We owe you NOTHING!"

Damian G. said...

I like the Hitlerian salute in the final Zell photo.

Good post.

Oh, and I'm hosting the Carnival of Comedy!

SeanS said...

"I wonder where I put that snake killing shovel?"

LOL! Nice one Insol!

Insolublog said...

linda - I might make this a more regular activity.

Uber - This is sort of a re-hash of my first press briefing, featuring Don Rumsfeld. (But you knew that.) We need to sic your white, foot slashing kitty on the press corps!

ssssteve - Thanks!

Wyatt - I wanted to give it to Scott, but he doesn't have the chops.

Damian - I have to figure out how to sign up for this, again. Sounds like a good idea.

seans - Zell is my hero. Nobody knows how to treat enemies, like terrorists and Chris Mathews better than a tough old marine.

Peakah said...

My cheeks hurt...

GunnNutt said...

Fortunately, I have a pair of jumbo beefsteak tomatoes, this big. I am also not afraid to use them.



Insolublog said...

GunnNutt -
That was my favorite 'quote'. I'm glad someone picked it up in commentary.

GunnNutt said...

You used it to great effect!