Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Driving Miss Crazy

The current news cycle, the constant Bush bashing and my general life, as a Massachusetts conservative, have brought the specter of depression to my doorstep.

I recently attended a party of an acquaintance who is an avowed Michael Moore worshiper and John Kerry campaign supporter. Being a charitable conservative optimist, I try to see the opportunity in a situation. I decided to bring my covert Olympus digital voice recorder along. I can personally testify that the rumors of wild conspiracy theories are true. Cultural decay, moral relativism and race baiting are legion. Self-flagellating apologetic America hating internationalist tree-hugging mental gymnasts drape the UN flag with pride, over all things liberal. These people don't just drink watered down Howard Dean kool-aide. They roll welfare checks into paper tubes and snort the stuff in straight powder form. When you have lemons, make lemonade; then put booze in it. I don't drink, but it makes a good metaphor.

Names and relationships have and will be changed, to shield my guilt.

Massachusetts can be depressing when tax time and elections roll by. When social occasions erupt, however, so does the entertainment. I felt as giddy as my second amendment readers would feel, given a dump truck of rock salt, an A-10 Warthog and five unrestrained minutes at an outdoor Barbara Streisand concert.

InsoluTip:

Gather data. Never rush into an emotional argument with a dedicated entitlement parasite. They are
masters of emotion. Always ask the questions. Moonbats love superficial intellectual bragging. If you rip the tick away with a violent motion, you will leave an angry wriggling head, to masticate your flesh. Slowly build a fire on its gluteus maximus. It will back out by itself. You may then squash it in a matchbook cover.

Little perky Babs bubbled up and anointed me with a rude introduction unblemished by social decorum or courtesy.

Your Eddie's Bush loving buddy aren't you?

Her lemon squeezing expression reminded me of the steady product produced by the Massachusetts political education factory.

Absolutely. But only when I can get it and only if it's fresh.
(Extended pause) Head cock, slowly followed by lemon pucker smirk.

Heh heh... That wasn't funny, you know. You know that idiot has destroyed our reputation around the world.

That's not the kind of 'fresh' I meant.

What?

Never mind. What do you mean by 'our' reputation?

The kind of goodwill Kerry would have preserved.

There was goodwill for Kerry to preserve?


Yes. We were respected around the world before Bush came along with his illegal war.


Bush was in office for four years before Kerry.


Yes! And he destroyed our reputation.


But I thought you said there was still a reputation for Kerry to preserve.
Whatever was left after four years of Bush hell.

But Bush beat Kerry. I thought you said he was an idiot, who destroyed our reputation.

He is an idiot! Rove and Cheney were the ones pulling his strings.

So Rove and Cheney are smart enough to beat Kerry?

I didn't say that.


Then how did they beat Kerry?


At this point Melissa entered the conversation with the same abrupt lack of introduction. Melissa was sporting an unnatural hair color and a fastener catalogue attached to her face.

They used dirty tactics, like the swift boat vets.

And you are?


Melissa. I'm one of Eddies friends.

I never would have guessed. Should I call you just Melissa, or Melissa-of-Borg?


Huh?

Never mind. How did the swift boat vets defeat Kerry?
They made up gross lies about his service.
Like Dan Rather lied about Bush's service?

That was never really proven to be a lie.
Was the swift boat lie proven?

No!

Exactly.

That's not what I meant!

What did you mean?

They lied!

How do you know?

Look. Kerry's service is on record.

Were we able to see it?
Of course. He released it.

No he didn't.


Yes he did! Don't you watch the news!?


Are we still talking about before the election?


(pause)
pssh. Look. Everyone knows Kerry is way smarter than Bush.


But he's not smart enough to outwit Rove or Cheney?
They are not the presidential candidate.

That's Right.

So What are you saying?

(Chuckle)
I'm not the one saying anything.

-- Intermission for more rambling and circular logic --
Please visit our refreshment stand for a delicious hot dog. Pour yourself a frosty Coca-Cola. Why not buy some swag over at Dr. Phat Tony's?

Insolublog pulls his keys from his pocket.

Hey Melissa, I need a couple of copies of this key. Do you think you could fix me up?
What are you talking about?

Don't you have some blanks in your selection?
What!? Are you making fun of my appearance?

Remember how much I despise Professional Victim Syndrome (PVS).

Yeah, that sums it up.

You know, some people are sensitive about those things!

So you make a public statement, with your appearance, saying look at me! I'm different than you! You are all plain Jane nobodies, unlike me. You're right. I am sensitive about those things. You made a billboard out of your face, not me.
I almost expected her to cry, but she stayed the course.

It doesn't sound like you care. I'm not surprised, given your political opinions.
You want me to treat you like you have a visible birth defect, instead of a lifestyle choice? You sound like many AIDS 'victims' who refused to use protection.
-- Intermission while moonbats explode over this revelation --
Please visit our refreshment stand for a delicious hot dog. Pour yourself a frosty Coca-Cola. Why not buy some swag over at Dr. Phat Tony's?

Deep Breath....

InsoluPartyFavor:

While twirling the ice in your secular, non-denominational liquid refreshment, wrinkle your nose, and say
"Where the hell is that smell coming from? Is that marajuana?"
Watch with amusement at the guests who begin to sniff their own fingers and clothes.
Oh well. I have bored you enough. The girls wandered off to spread the love and diversity of yours truly. Like moths to a flame.

10 comments:

Dr. Phat Tony said...

What an awesome party. I'm glad I missed it. Your wit was way over their heads, Insolublog. How unfair of you to converse with them.

a4g said...

See now that's the conversation I would have had with myself three days later while I was stuck in traffic. At the party I would have spilled the drink on myself.

Insolublog said...

DPT - At one point, during the long intermission number one, I grew from amused to annoyed.

a4g - Real time entertainment is about the only decent side benefit of being a non-drinker.

GunnNutt said...

These people don't just drink watered down Howard Dean kool-aide. They roll welfare checks into paper tubes and snort the stuff in straight powder form.

When you have lemons, make lemonade; then put booze in it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! You funny guy! (dang you're good!)

Peakah said...

I wish I had your wit cuz my encounters with liberal moonbat friends and family usually end up in my application of a rear naked choke and their reluctant admission of complete ignorance.

The witty route sounds more fun but how in the world do you control your arms?? I mean, how do you keep your arms from applying a severe rear naked choke?

PoP said...

Oh OH OH my side hurts. and my ckeek muscles hurt. (no not those cheek muscles.) still can't stop laughing. I plan to send every Lib I know to your site to read it. I'll lay money on them not getting it eather. Thanks for pimping my son swag.

Insolublog said...

Gunnnut - It then becomes a challenge whether their noses are red from kool-aide, or Kennedy gin blossom syndrome.

Peakah - The key is to keep one hand on your drink, and the other resting on the GOP stamped Japanese Wakizashi sword under your topcoat. You can then remain calm in the conservative knowledge that you could behead your foe in an instant.

Pop - I'm glad your entertained. Keep selling swag.

Tyler D. said...

Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant.

Insolublog said...

Tyler D. - Thanks buddy. Looking for an armed cat?

Gunnnut reminded me that swag links were missing from the intermissions. The theatre management is sorry for any inconvenience.

Uber said...

Thanks for the tip. ;)

At least you gave us a laugh, can't be all bad. I'll be using the welfare checks and paper tubes line for many a year to come. haha

Try pretending to be "one of them" in a mockingly overstated manner. Oooo or my fave, play the part of chicken hawk fundy! Therein lies the fun, imo. *g*