Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Watch Me Pull A Voter Out of my Hat

Since my depressing blogging has sucked lately, I am bringing in a guest. Enjoy my friend, while I have a drink for health reasons, after giving up drinking for health reasons.

Today's guest blogger is Rocky the Flying ACORN Squirrel. He is also an accredited AP journalist and winner of the Nobel prize in the study of the fruit of the Fagaceae Quercus Alba. Normally this would be considered a conservative blog. I felt it was my civic duty to provide a fair voice to one of our more liberal friends.

We all know how difficult it is for liberal voices to be heard, above the deafening Sarah Palin churned hate chorus of our venerable but mis-guided VWRC.

[ disclaimer: All the names and head counts, in this post, were purely fictional, as they would be from an ACORN canvasser. So, it's just as good, right? ]

Take it away Rocky...

Rocky: Thanks, Insolublog. You know, when the purges come, As a member of the Ministry of Truth I will do my best to make sure you get a full half pint of our beloved stale acorns, each week, praise the Obamassia. (h.t. Write Wing Politics)

O.K. My first guest, you know from the fine work he has done for years in Chicago, as a community organizer and activist. His name is Pyong Kang. Tell us about yourself Pyong.

Kang: Thanks, Rocky. You know, I have been a victim of racism all of my life.

I'm angry.

I shuffled around for years, as a member of the Lyndon B. Johnson cling-on empire, with a CIA crack whore girlfriend, a measly couple of welfare checks and a CIA crack habit, fueled by any leftover CIA crack, which wasn't being used for the bitch or the clients.

Then brother Bill Ayers came along and taught me that I could shake a few acorns from the oppressive Bush-Cheney CEO payout tree, by putting one of my own brothers into the driver's seat. Bill was like a father to me, even though he's nuthin' but a rich white punk, who wants to be ethic like me.

But this works good for me, O.K. ? Look. I'm not the oppressed fool he thinks I am. Please don't get me wrong. I'm just a businessman. I know this $hit is the only thing that can make Bill feel like a real man, with a real non-white penis. Hell, even his wife needs to feel like she has a non-white penis. So, when you got the fish on a hook, what the hell? Reel the bastard in.

Suck him dry. Bill wants to feel my pain. (Heh) I offered him some crack, (which I got from Hugo Chavez and not the CIA, so it's the good stuff), but he said he had some better dope. O.K. I'm curious. He said I could join with Jeremia Wright's church and speedily feed my need for greed.

I loved it. This was real religion. Sell DVD hate volumes, in the capitalist market, collecting the profits, while denouncing capitalism. Man... That's effing hypocrite poetry at its best, bro'. Yeah. Bill's right. Oh...

--- Kang writhes in a cling-on orgasm of hypocritical victory.
Pause for biological gratification. Fill it with Jeopardy break music ----

Ahem... Look. Brother Bill , brother Jeremiah and brother Phleger convinced me that religion was a pure blend of black liberation theology and white guilt liberalism, So I looked. So I listened. I liked this $hit. Hey, Bill's a good guy. I swear I will hold off puttin' a couple mercy pops in his hat, until Barack's got my back.

Heh. Just Kiddin'. Robespierre was just as big an idiot as these dopes. I decided now's the time to grab the ring and the bling. I joined ACORN and have never looked back. I have several success stories.

Now I will be personally voting for Barack Obama 129 times in the Chicago Illinios area. If they don't like it, I'll be filing lawsuits faster than an accountant files taxes.

Rocky: Uhhh. Ohh. Kayy... Moving along... I was hoping you would share those successes with us, Pyong.

BTW, I would personally like to thank the Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner, for her valient efforts in brilliantly short-circuiting the justice system, to secure a victory for the B.O. Messiah. We know you are a true believer Jennifer! So, Pyong Kang, who's our first winner in the Get-Out-the-Fraud freedom march?

Kang: Thanks, Rocky (and Jennifer). Sorry about swellin' up. I usually don't rage out on my future plans.

Well, you know, we discovered, no thanks to the public schools, that Detroit Michigan borders a big pool of water called lake Erie. There we found one of several thousand sweet applicants. His/Their name is Captain Morgan. Cptn. Morgan is a common sight on pleasure boats out on the water. Once he goes dry however, he often manages to tip over the rim and sink to the bottom of the lake. However, we managed to convince him to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming elections, at least 64 times.

If you need to verify his identity, just row out a mile or so and sqeeze into a wetsuit. Remember, the vote gets cast, before the label soaks off. BTW, Jack Daniels will be casting 47 votes and Hiram 'Johnnie' Walker will be votin' 23 times.

Rocky: Praise the Messiah and his constituency, Pyong.

I know you have plenty of testimony, for our readers. I know that everything you do, is purely from the heart.

It's for the children, isn't it Pyong?

Who is the next disenfranchised soul, enlightened by your hard work?

Kang: Heh. Heh. Thanks Rocky. The children are (wink) right there, in the nest. You know, Rocky... this next case extinguished a burning cigarette blunt, right on the surface of my heart, just before the emergency room surgeons covered the knife wound.

Yatsuhiro Komodo was abandoned by his mother, at the moment he was born, due to Republican budget cuts, no doubt.

Those Limbaugh boot lickin' a-holes told everybody that his mother and father were nothin' but cold blooded lizards, droppin' eggs in the sand. Can you believe that?

As a result, Yat became aggressive, unruly and he developed a serious colony of flesh-eating oral bacteria. Hell. Even the bugs roamin' around Yat's mouth hate the white man.

Yat's defiant. He's not afraid to bite any hand, comin' over to toss the white man's scraps in his face. He's a fighter. I love him (Kang's eyes tear up, the MSNBC cameras move in to catch it). Just look at that proud rebel face.

Yat has sworn to shuffle into the polls and scare away as many white oppressors that he can.
Yatushiro will be casting at least 186 votes for Barack Obama in both Hartford and Bridgeport.
Just try to stop my mo-fo bro when he's swingin' through the polling booth.

Rocky: That is... (choke) unconscienceable, Pyong.

I pledge to proudly sing Yat's praises from both the green room at MSNBC and any healthy, well foliaged tree at least a minimum of 250 yards, within my gated Hollywood community. Thanks Pyong.

Folks... Give it up to Pyong Kang for his efforts for ACORN Chicago. (applause in the MSNBC studio)

We have other soldiers in our battle for the 2008 Obama coronation...

Rocky: In our deep search for the truth we found the lonely Dusty Stone.

Dusty used to be a McCain supporter, since he felt a strange kinship with the only candidate who was older than dirt and had an SS number of eight. Just the status of being older than dirt, can suck the spirit out of your body, as it has in McCain's first two debates. It can suck the spirit out faster than a quickly expiring tax cut, during a financial crisis.

Through the power of Hope, Change, MSM influence and pure fantasy, we managed to convince Dusty that Barack Obama could raise the dead with his touch. Barack would resurrect any voters willing to live long enough to cast a vote in Harrisburg.

Thanks Dusty. We love you and your 221 votes for Barack. If you need a Hearse to the polls, we're ready. Trust us to put you back in the dirt, with dignity.

Rocky: Our next previously disenfranchised Obama supporter is Maliki Gumbala. Maliki comes from Nigeria.

Maliki is an amiable fellow, with years of experience in legitimate, unassailable internet e-mail commerce.

Maliki has spent years, convincing thousands of current Barack Obama voters to invest in Nigerian businesses. It has taken thousands of e-mails to achieve this, in spite of vicious Republican anti-spam attacks.

Maliki is also the creator of a language called 'Gumbonics' which is used in his e-mail franchise to convince investors to part with their life savings. Maliki will be casting 534 absentee ballots for Barack Obama. His dog will be casting 431 ballots for the state of Kenya.

Thanks Maliki. You Rock! How can you say no to that face? Only if you are an evil tool of National Review Magazine, that's how! Vote Obama!

Rocky: The esteemed Reverend Siddhartha Patel has been gathering the donations of his liberal flock of voters for years. He does this with mesmersizing prayer services.

He has never had a donor complaint. Take my word for it, as a professional AP correspondent. This has nothing to do with the fact that the Reverend decapitates each successful donor, with his saliva dripping mandibles, after he secures their financial support.

Siddhartha will be casting his 59 votes in Louisiana.

Rocky: This should put this whole controversy to rest. William F. Buckley was an unapologetic, staunch conservative for his entire career. Rush Limbaugh calls him a mentor.

ACORN caught Bill in the rare condition of rolling in his grave over the current election. They decided the best thing to do, under those circumstances, was to use his lifeless identity for the collective good.

Now Bill will be casting 1457 votes in Indianapolis, Cleveland and Kansas City., for Barack Obama.

... thanks to the beautiful people of ACORN.

Rocky: We really want America to mean something.

This is Delores Freebird.

She didn't want to vote for Barack Obama.

How unfortunate and sad that the road to the future and peace, hope and love must be littered with ugly dissent and disagreement. Help Barack sweep away the hate, after we have extinguished it.


Anonymous said...

Can I, like, rub your head or something? Maybe some of that literary talent will rub off.

Wyatt Earp said...

Kang was the victim of racism because his forehead looks like a fanny.

Insolublog said...

jumpout - heh. You're pretty good already, there pal.

wyatt - It would smell like a fanny too, if he wasn't wearing that Colt45 cologne.

Les James said...

I was only gone for a few days and when I get back you've done something funny again. While I do enjoy your rants, I like this side of you better.

Insolublog said...

Thanks, les. It is getting hard to find the humor. I would really be laughing silly if JSM smoked BHO in the wee hours of November.

Peakah said...

*raises glass* Hey, I quit for almost 10 years, this election cycle is enough to get Betty Ford hammered out of her blue-hair...


Insolublog said...


Will she be voting from the clinic, by absentee ballot, for our new savior?

Peakah said...

Amazingly she's still alive which risks the number of votes she may cast- for surely if she were dead, she can vote many more times over...

Thanks ACORN!