Sunday, August 13, 2006

It could Happen

Let's have some fun for a change, by considering how life will be after Insolublog's dream candidate is elected president.

Alec Baldwin did not just promise to leave the country. He threatened to phase shift into the nearest parallel universe.

Helen Thomas is caught whispering, “You would never see George Bush act this irresponsibly.”

James Carville, has a violent seizure in front of a CNN camera, which forces him into a premature molt of his current reptile flesh covering.

Al Gore finally bursts that pulsing blood vessel in his forehead. He and Mikhail Gorbachev embark on a new Vaudeville revival called “It's not easy being green, with a big purple stain on your head”. Al is the drooling puppet, sitting on Mickey's knee.

Michael Moore tries to rake in another windfall, by waddling across Europe, peddling his new movie “Apocalypse Wow!”, criticizing the very recent nuclear bombardment of Tehran.

Al Franken finally has that obnoxious smirk slapped off his face, by a secret service agent. The agent claims it was done for national security.

Cindy Sheehan appears on the Today show, has her head shaved, her eyebrows waxed off and a peace sign tattooed on her forehead. She is then hugged by former Culture Club lead Boy George, as he tearfully says “We are now sisters, in protest.” Cindy's ratings are still in the toilet.

Natalie Mains of Dixie chick fame has a Janet Jackson style camera 'accident'. The resulting scandal makes the front cover of “Aberdeen Angus World” magazine.

Howard Dean switches to decaf.

Hugo Chavez is caught by CIA cameras, having a Brokeback moment with Raul Castro. We don't see it or hear about it, but suddenly U.S. oil prices begin to drop on increased Venezuela production.

Jack Murtha suffers a Depends failure, on the floor of the house.

Kofi Annan is taken aside and privately reminded that sometimes, in a queer twist of fate, people suddenly choke to death on a free jumbo shrimp or a cocktail weenie, at a state department luncheon. Shortly thereafter, he has a revelation, culminating in the realization that life is too short to be squabbling over failed policies.

Every damn terrorist, found poisoning the minds of children, will be instantly rewarded with back stage passes to the afterlife, where they can go live on Gilligan's Island, with 72 indestructible virgin clones of Maureen Dowd, each incessantly bitching about how much she hates men.

Jesse Jackson will give a rousing speech about how the president “T'was brilling, and the slithy toves.” and how he “Did grye and gimble in the wabe.” . He will invoke the feeling of the masses with “All mimsy were the borogroves And the mome raths outgrabe.” Of course, as usual, nobody will know what the hell he's babbling about.

John Kerry will go to France for another Botox treatment. While there, he decides to have a face transplant instead. He winds up looking, and sounding, like the young Jerry Lewis.

Hillary Clinton delivers a speech, about the new administration, in the midst of preliminary construction at the WTC site. Her harpy cackle sets up a deadly resonance between the structures, bringing down a hailstorm of glass shards on her supporters.

I can dream, can't I? Care to add?

9 comments:

fmragtops said...

A short letter will be sent to Israel. The letter will be short and to the point: "F-k that cease-fire, kill the animals."

Hassan Nasrallah chokes to death on a free jumbo shrimp at a UN luncheon with Kofi Annan. Kofi Annan promptly resigns due to unspecified health concerns.

a4g said...

500,000 anti- war activists crowd the streets of every major city. Their placards read "End War: Start Bombing", "Demand Victory", "Appeasement is Not Peace", and "If You Want The Jews, You'll Have To Get Through Me First."

Oh, and my wife stops watching Celebrity Fit Club IV.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Wow.
The jabberwocky.

That brings back some memories.

I think you left out the part about the national concealed carry law... ;)

fmragtops said...

What about this

FIAR said...

500,000 anti- war activists crowd the streets of every major city. The alien invasion arrives and the anti-war activists are all beamed aboard the mother ship, never to return.

FIAR said...

"T'was brilling, and the slithy toves."

"Did grye and gimble in the wabe."

"All mimsy were the borogroves And the mome raths outgrabe."


That killed me. Briliant!

Insolublog said...

fm – I have an equally exciting idea. Strap a J-DAM jacket on every Geneva violator we capture and interrogate. Give each one a GPS guided ride, face first, into the mosque or madrassa that spawned them.

a4g – Now... Is there a Celebrity fight club? Seeing Ann Coulter bitch slap Sandra Bernhard would be worth a bloody ticket scalp.

CUG – Just one more things for Helen et al. to gripe about.

FIAR – They could join Alec in Wonderland, when he makes his grand dissappearance.

Morris said...

"Every damn terrorist, found poisoning the minds of children, will be instantly rewarded with back stage passes to the afterlife, where they can go live on Gilligan's Island, with 72 indestructible virgin clones of Maureen Dowd, each incessantly bitching about how much she hates men."
Now that's "cruel and unusual" punishment, but perfectly appropiate..
:-)

Insolublog said...

It's also cruel and unusual for that woman to collect a big NY salary for the kind of grammar schoolgirl crap that wouldn't get two cents on myspace.com