Saturday, July 16, 2005

Spot Terrorists with ConservaSpecs

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Worried about being accused of being insensitive to race or ethnicity, in your quest to identify the perpetrators? New ConservaSpec(tm) profiling glasses bring the miracle of high speed terrorist targeting technology anywhere you happen to be.

Our highly skilled and trained team of red state conservative engineers have programmed the ConservaSpec series of ProfileView(tm) plug-in modules with all of the latest audiovisual profiling data available. All information is collated, analyzed and rated for threat assessment. The ConservaSpec then reports the results to the bearer.

ConservaSpec's bluetooth option allows the glasses to wirelessly interface with the appropriate government agency and our vast online database of scum-bags, through your PDA or laptop.

Our FascIslaMod(tm) ProfileView module examines all the relevant criteria. It identifies potential bombers, vitriolic clerics and watch list proscribes. Features include:
  • Middle eastern male between 16 and 35
  • Nervous sweaty appearance
  • Large backpack, handbag or package
  • Mumbling chants about virgins
  • Dozens of others...
ConservaSpec has other ProfileView modules as well. Try our new UndocuMod(tm) for picking out temporary guest workers.

ConservaSpecs come in a wide range of colors, lens shades and feature 100% UV protection. License soothing popular voices for the integrated warning system, such as Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Pat Buchanan, Oliver North and others; Or program your own.

Rely on ConservaSpec for complete comfort and moral detachment. Security personnel and citizens, can concentrate on staying alive, in this war on terror. You will never have to worry about being accused of profiling again. Just raise your hand and say:

"Don't talk to me. Talk to the ConservaSpec."

Then give them our convenient number, 1-900-MOONBAT. We will answer any concerns they have, for a nominal fee.

ConservaSpec profiles terrorists, so you don't have to!



Dr. Phat Tony said...

Sounds like a project I could invest in. They might need an adjustment to discern between college professors and terrorists though.

Insolublog said...

That feature is available, but only in the military version.